I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
