I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Houston, we have a squirter
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
