Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
