I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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