I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
