just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
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He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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