your room smells of hookers.
And success
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I love you. Go after that dick
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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