she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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