The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
