I'm eating all of the evidence.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
