it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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