chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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