you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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