Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
