Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
