i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
be right there i have to get my cape
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
