Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
