my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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