hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
