I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
