Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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