update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
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It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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