You can't motorboat a personality
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
