her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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