Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
