his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
