you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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