First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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