Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
