Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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