just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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