last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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