At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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