i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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