in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
