I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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