she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
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Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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