party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
