Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
