I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
