fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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