Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
