I'm jealous of your bromance
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
