Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
