btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
