cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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