go do what you do best...puke behind churches
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
