my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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