Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
They have beer where we have blood.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
