i think i have two assholes
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
