You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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