I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
